Chapter Fourteen: Uh Oh

At 7:30 we- Scott, Andrew, Brett and I- were all in the family room watching videos. But now it was around 11:30 and we had gotten through two movies. The first movie of choice was House on Haunted Hill. Great movie, House on Haunted Hill, I would recommend it to anybody in a heartbeat. The second was . . .

Scott stood up, "I'm gonna go to sleep now, babe. See y'all in the morning."

"Y'all?" I asked, " Well, I use it sometimes too. It is so much easier to say than "you all. G'night, baby. I'll see you in the morning."

Scott leaned down for a quick kiss and then left for the stairs. Sigh . Oh well.

"What's the next movie?" Asked Brett.

Andrew picked a tape at random. "Ummm . . . Beautiful Thing."

"Who picked that one?" I asked.

Andrew blushed a little, "I did".

"What's it about, Andrew?" Brett asked.

Andrew looked at the back, "Two guys who hook up- basically."

"Pop it in." Brett told Andrew.

We all settled in to watch another movie. The opening scene came up, boy being harassed in P.E. He forgot his "kit"; obviously, this was an English movie. But it still looked cool; it was a good movie so far.

About a quarter of the way through, Brett dozed off. Now it was just Andrew and I. Andrew came towards me and sat on my lap. Nothing sexual there, he was cuddling with me. Wait a second, Andrew, former boyfriend who is still interested in me, is on my lap. Scott, current boyfriend, only interested in sex at the time, is upstairs sleeping in my bed expecting me to go up there in a few minutes.

Well, what are my chances of finding an estranged relative of Scott's and getting them to have him live with them. Hmmm . . . a million to one. Geez, I can only pray, because I really like Andrew. But I really like Scott. What do I do? Somebody HELP ME!!!! Oh wait, Andrew was still on my lap.

"What are you thinking about?" Andrew asked me.

"How this feels so good, but I think it's so wrong. I mean, Scott lives in this house with me. He sleeps in my bed, with me. He's my lover, my boyfriend, my confidant. And here I am with you. I feel like I am cheating on him; and I am."

"Wow." Andrew pulled back from me.

"No, no, no. But I still love you. That's the problem. Well, it's not a problem but it is. You see, I don't know whom to choose. I loved you first and then you moved. But I love Scott too and he knows so much more about the time that you left. But that doesn't mean you know less about me. You know that I wake up in the middle of the night for yogurt! And all Scott knows is that I like him and that he likes me too. It used to be great to be with him. Now it feels like all he wants to do is fuck me.

"I mean, I enjoy sex. But Scott is like a damn jackrabbit and oh, I don't know. I'm so confused Andrew. I still love you. But I love Scott and he lives here. I would feel better if there was some way Scott didn't have to live here. It hurts me to know that I'll hurt him. And he probably won't want to live in this house anymore. But I do really like you. And I want to be with you again.

"You know, just like old times. Andrew and Gabriel. We know how to have all the fun. I mean, we know each other, don't we? Like, really know each other. Oh, fuck. I am so confused."

And I broke down, right there, with Andrew watching me. I felt his hands touching me; awkwardly trying to comfort me. This is where I belong, I thought. I really do still love Andrew. I don't think I ever got over him. He still has a place in my heart and he still loves me too.

"Sssshhhhhh." Andrew was holding me know, "It's okay Gabe. Just cry we'll sort this out."

I don't know what went on next, I fell asleep.

Scott opened the door. I could see him walk out to a car. Whose car? He looked sad, as if he didn't want to go, I could see he was crying. I came out the door too. He turned around and kissed me. I tried to keep him from going but he had to go. He gave me a hug and got in the car. I was crying when the car drove away.

Behind me was Andrew. He wasn't in the dream, he wasn't part of it. He was looking at me . Not me, the one that was now on the porch crying, but me , the one that was watching me cry.

"What's this about?" I asked Andrew.

"You joined my side." Andrew replied, "Now he leaves."

"To where?"

"To his uncle in New Mexico ."

Andrew came forward and kissed me. That kiss told me all I needed to know. This wasn't Andrew; it was some evil thing possessing him.

"No. You're not Andrew." I pulled away from him.

"Yes I am. What makes you think that I'm not."

"No, you're not. You can't be."

"Come on, gives your man a kiss." Andrew moved forward again to kiss me.

I scratched at him to get away. This wasn't my Andrew. This can't be Andrew. Andrew would never act like this. I scratched at his face and it peeled off. I scratched more, a mask, who's under it? When I had taken the mask off, there was no face. Just the impression of one. But it was a face, and it wasn't my Andrew.

I woke up with a start. I couldn't sit up because there was a weight hold me down. That's when I remembered Andrew. I was in a position where we were cuddling. My head was on his chest. I could hear his breathing and I felt his warmth. There was bliss radiating from him, not bliss, love. Andrew loved me, and I love him. But I also love Scott.

Carefully, I got up to go into my room. Scott stirred, "Where are you going?"

"I have to go back to Scott. Everything's gonna go to hell if we don't do this right." I replied.

"Let him see." Andrew held on to my hand, urging me to keep touching him.

"No, I can't, Andy, it's not right. We'll work this out though. Believe me." I tried to console Andrew.

I got up and climbed the stairs. I always move quickly and quietly, so getting around the house without waking people up was easy. When I reached my room, Scott was curled up and cuddling one of my pillows. Poor guy, he really did miss me. Maybe I would feel better if our spark has died and he only wanted sex. But it hasn't, not yet at least. This is so hard to do.

When I slipped into bed Scott put his hand over my waist and kissed me. "I thought you weren't coming."

"Shit Scott, you scared the hell out of me. I thought you were asleep." I exclaimed.

"Oh, no, I just woke up about a half an hour ago. And you weren't here. Just your pillow." Scott held up my pillow.

"Oh, sorry, dude. I fell asleep watching the movie. I really wanted to see it but I guess I was too tired and I bombed."

"I know, I saw." Fear struck me; the realization that everything that had been established would come crashing down on me.

"Ummm . . . w-what did you see?" I asked, shaking.

"You and Andrew, asleep, together."

An awkward moment of silence of passed. I looked at my shoes mostly, or out the window. Scott was the last person I wanted to face. This is bad, he's handling it okay right now but I know that nothing good will come from this.

"What did you think?" I asked.

"I know something's up. And I don't feel comfortable with it, Gabe. I know that Scott and you were lovers way before I came into the picture. You loved him first and I understand it if you want to be with him rather than me. But I gotta know", He inhaled deeply, "Do you really love me Gabriel Matthew Duncan?"

This surprised me. I have told him so many times before. Fuck, I cooked him dinner and was there when he needed someone to cry on and when he needed a place to stay.

"Scott Jason Peterson," I held his hands, "I do love you and I always will. You are one of the most special people that I have ever had the privilege of being with. I love you as much as I love the air I breathe and the earth I play on. You are the fire that keeps me warm, just as you are the water that helps me live. Scott Jason Peterson you are one of the few people I have ever loved."

Scott was now in my arms hugging me, kissing me, and crying. I was crying too, I knew this was goodbye. He knew this too. God, I didn't want this to be happening. I could have asked my folks for advice when they would come home today. But no, this was happening now.

"When I saw you and Andrew, I decided to leave." Scott leaned back from me. "I tracked down my uncle that lives in New Mexico , and I am gonna go with them. He knows I'm Bi, so I'll be fine there."

I was puzzled, "When did all this happen?"

"I decided when I saw you and Andrew together. You looked so happy, happier than I could ever make you. Andrew was on cloud thirteen at least. You two belong together, to be happy together. I don't belong here anymore. I don't really think I ever did, I never felt right in California , in Alameda . I feel like I should be somewhere else."

I was silent. There was nothing that I argued with, there was nothing that I wanted to add or deject. All of this felt as if it was supposed to be happening, like as if shouldn't argue.

"How long until your uncle gets here? Or until you leave?" Please don't be today; I just need a little bit longer.

"Wednesday at 11:30 is when I leave, my uncle flies in at 11:00 ." Good, Wednsday is good.

"I love you Scott."

"I know you do. Go tell Andrew and Brett what's happening."

Just as I left, Scott said, "I love you."